Blog Post- Yes, You Can Change Your Child’s Behavior: What Evidence-Based Family Approaches Teach Us About Accountability

If you’re a parent who has ever said, “I can’t control my kid—they’re going to do what they’re going to do,” or “You can’t prepare for what they’re going to do,” you are far from alone. I hear versions of these statements almost daily in my private practice. They usually come from exhausted, overwhelmed caregivers who love their children, but feel stuck—especially when their kids are struggling with anger, defiance, school refusal, peer conflict, or risky behaviors.

But here’s the truth that both research and decades of evidence-based practice make clear:

Parents have more power to change behavior than they realize.

The goal isn’t control. It’s influence. And families—when structured with intention—are one of the most powerful behavioral-change systems young people will ever experience.

Multisystemic Therapy (MST), Functional Family Therapy (FFT), and family-adapted CBT and DBT skills all point to the same core message: youth behavior is shaped by the systems around them, and parents are the most important part of that system.

This blog breaks down what that actually looks like—and how parents can step back into a position of leadership, consistency, and accountability, without becoming harsh or authoritarian.

1. The Family System Is the Most Powerful Behavior-Change Engine

MST and FFT, two of the most effective evidence-based treatments for high-risk youth, share a foundational premise: you cannot separate a child’s behavior from the environment around them. Behaviors don’t happen in a vacuum—they happen in a system.

That means:

• What parents model

• What they reinforce

• What they ignore

• What they respond inconsistently to

• What they prepare for (or don’t)

• What they tolerate

…all shape a child’s behavioral patterns over time.

When parents believe they have no influence, kids often end up running the system instead of being guided by it. MST calls this the “caregiver domain,” and research shows that strengthening this domain—through monitoring, expectations, consequences, rewards, and follow-through—predicts better outcomes than almost anything else.

2. Supervision, Expectations, and Structure Matter—A Lot

One of the biggest myths I hear is: “You can’t prepare for what your child will do.” Actually—you can. And you must.

In MST and FFT, preparation is called “predictive parenting” or “proactive planning.” Kids thrive when the adults around them anticipate challenges and put supports in place ahead of time.

This means:

Clear expectations

Children shouldn’t be guessing what is allowed and what isn’t. Expectations should be:

• clear

• brief

• behavior-specific

• stated ahead of time, not in the moment of conflict

Active supervision

Supervision is not hovering—it’s awareness. It means knowing:

• Where your child is

• Who they’re with

• What they’re doing

• How they’re doing

• When they’ll be back

Research from MST consistently shows that improved caregiver monitoring reduces risk-taking, substance use, and delinquency.

Predictability + consistency

This is the heart of CBT and DBT: behaviors repeat when they are reinforced. Consistency isn’t perfection. It’s reliability.

The more predictable the parenting, the more stable the child’s behavior.

3. Rewards and Consequences Work—When They’re Done Well

Parents often tell me, “Nothing works.” But when we dig in, the issue usually isn’t the child—it’s the reward or consequence system.

Ineffective systems usually fail in one of three ways:

1. Rewards aren’t meaningful to the child.

2. Consequences are too big, too long, or too vague.

3. Parents don’t follow through consistently.

Effective rewards are:

• Immediate. Tomorrow is too far away for the teen brain.

• Realistic. Don’t offer a big prize you can’t maintain.

• Motivating. It must matter to the child, not to you.

• Earned through clear behavior. Not based on mood or negotiation.

In DBT, this is called “reinforcing skillful behavior.”

Effective consequences are:

• Short-term (hours or a day—not a month)

• Directly connected to the behavior

• Specific (“No phone until homework is done,” not “you’re grounded”)

• Repair-oriented when possible

• Implemented calmly, without lectures or shame

The parenting research is clear: It is better to have small, consistent consequences than rare, extreme ones.

Kids learn from patterns, not punishments.

4. Emotional Skills Matter—For Kids and Parents

While structure and consistency are the backbone of behavior change, emotional regulation is the fuel.

A lot of parent–child conflict comes from what DBT calls “emotion mind”—when we react instead of respond.

Teaching kids emotional skills works best when parents practice them too. This might include:

• CBT thought reframing (“What’s the evidence my child is doing this on purpose?”)

• DBT distress tolerance (“I can get through this moment without escalating it.”)

• DBT validation skills (“I get why you’re upset. The expectation is still the expectation.”)

• Mindfulness (“Let me slow my breathing so I can think clearly.”)

Parents don’t have to be perfect emotional role models—just committed ones.

5. Accountability Is Love in Action

Accountability has gotten an unfair reputation. It’s not blame, shame, or punishment. It’s not authoritarian, rigid, or controlling.

Accountability is structure. Accountability is follow-through. Accountability is showing up for your child consistently, even when they fight you on it.

MST and FFT both teach that parental accountability isn’t about controlling a child’s every move—it’s about shaping the environment so the child can succeed.

If a child is struggling, the first question we ask clinically is not, “What’s wrong with this kid?” It’s: “What’s happening in the system around this child, and how can we strengthen it?”

When parents take responsibility for supervision, consistency, communication, and behavioral reinforcement, kids change. Quickly.

6. The Hard Truth (and the Hopeful One)

The hardest truth parents face is this:

If nothing changes in the home, nothing will change in the child.

And the most hopeful truth?

Small changes in the home lead to big changes in the child.

You don’t have to overhaul your parenting style to make progress. You just have to be consistent about the changes you do choose.

Start with:

• Clear expectations

• Short-term consequences

• Realistic rewards

• Follow-through

• Predictive supervision

• Emotionally regulated responses

And remember—kids push back hardest right before the structure starts working. Stay the course.

Your influence is more powerful than you think.